People power in Hong Kong. Half a million Hong Kongers marched against Tung. Communist China’s HK has more democracy than democratic Singapore" — BigO’s Mirror Of Opinion boldly offers.

No worries, Master. It’s National Day-month. So let me display an unprecedented feat of nationalism by doing what even your Mui Hoongs, Latifs and Jacobs can never do — bite the hand that feeds for the sake of fierce nationalism. Here it goes.

BigO, you think your simplistic equation of 500,000 against 0 is oh-so-effective, meh? Let me bring on my ST (sound-and-timely) equation that speaks the louder truth: Straits Times’ readership 400,000. BigO 0. Now, is that a double O or is that a 00? Hehe hoho. See, as the Hollywood actress Cher said: "It’s a dirty job being ridiculous, but I’ll do it." Over here, only I would.

Front-page headline on July 8, ’03 of The Straits Times: "Party revolt forces HK chief to shelve (anti-sedition) Bill." See, that’s what you get when you choose people-freedom and unrefined democracy over judicious governance. How to move a country forward like dat? That’s why unlike HK, we’re not just an isle but a real COUNTRY. A real REPUBLIC. We’re reeling everyday in our unrivalled political cohesion and grandeur. Give us time to recover sikit-sikit and we’ll even say — ECONOMIC grandeur.

The nation-builder press, June 25 2003.

"Jobless Headache" — went the headline on an ST report on President Bush being "the first president since Herbert Hoover to lead the US to fewer jobs" (July 5, ’03). When the US faces unemployment, it’s a "jobless headache," but when we face the same predicament it is a case of "citizenship doesn’t entitle you to a job" (ST, June 25, ’03). C’mon lah, now that Singaporeans have been told to "use their brain," all you angkat-bola Commentary/Analysis people cannot afford to make it so blatant, mah. Singaporeans will realise how partial you are, now that they are putting on their thinking cap to analyse and think. So please wake up your curry idea. Simple angkat-cakap won’t do no more.

Chua Mui Hoong, on our PM announcing a radical stand to tolerate gays in the civil service, says, "it’s all about tolerance, not gay rights"(ST, July 9, ’03). See, what a blunder. That means before the new ruling was announced, the Government had always been intolerant, lah. Please, now that people are using their brain, they’ll be drawing a few conclusions of their own. Furthermore, she said: "Remember, this is not about gay rights. This is about economic competitiveness." Horror of horrors! What kind of values or morals do we, as a society, have when even gay-acceptance is done for economic rewards!

However, I do have to give her credit for saying something so bold and outrageous like it’s the most natural thing to do even when it’s about the (still) legally ‘unnatural’ (gays). Is she trying to upstage me in being ridiculous? If she is, she should know that hers is not a ‘dirty job’ but an ultra-clean one. Therefore, it doesn’t count. She mustn’t confuse servitude with being ridiculous. Uh-uh.

And then on July 10, ’03, Chua wrote in The Straits Times Life! — "How you live matters more than how long you live" in relation to the fatal surgical separation of the Iranian conjoined-twins by a surgeon here. Imagine how some of our ministers might take to a statement like that, especially the senior ones! Of course, we know that the statement was meant to console all of us that our glory of making medical history (in operating on the twins) was not meant to be. But STILL…! Is that a hint directed at our Masters? Tsk tsk tsk.

And then, and then… the headline for that Life! essay was "The Real Meaning Of Life." Ai-yah, how can people "use their brain" when every minute they are told the meaning of this and the meaning of that? I also noticed that in conclusion, she wrote: "Who else, but the twins themselves, can say if it was all worthwhile?" So for all we know, maybe Chua was hinting at communicating with the dead. Now, would our very senior and old ministers be comforted by the thought that when they’re lying six feet under, a reporter-séance is trying to tap into their spirit-thoughts for all to read? Makes me wonder if Chua was focusing on the living or the dead? (Double the tsk.)

On the matter of the twins’ unsuccessful operation here in Singapore, another columnist Andy Ho’s ‘assurance’ was more forthright. He said: "Risky? You bet. Unethical? No"(ST, July 10, ’03). Another writer Natalie Soh’s’ report on the same day was just as pertinent: "Sisters made an informed clear decision" and "Success was virtually impossible." I’m sure our Masters’ twin-bun felt rightfully covered and protected by that kind of blanketing perspective on the mishap. Chua just sounded like she was spanking round the bush.

I am probably the most ‘unsung’ hero in the land. Here I am doing all this ‘dirty’ work for all those curry people, and what credit/reward do I get in return? Not a word of thanks. Still, I do more. What an SOS-sucker I am!

I went to a neighbourhood community library one day to borrow the collected works of William Wordsworth. The librarian (librarian, I stress) asked: "How do you spell Wordsworth?" After I spelt it for her, her next question was: "Who’s the author?" As you’d probably guess by now, she then told me that they don’t stock the book.

Baby, I’m amazed. Not so much at the librarian (hey, I’m Singaporean enough to understand why Phua Chu Kang beckons all to "use your brain" in his rap song) but at the fact that we don’t have Wordsworth in our common library. What do they stock in public libraries? Durian books and durian-architecture manuals? I don’t care if I’m over-reacting. We’re supposed to be a centre of the arts! Is stocking Wordsworth in the library something we have to take time to learn to do? What’s more , we’ve got a Writers Festival in Singapore this month to help forge our image as an arts-hub. Daring!

C’mon Bertha, let’s hear it said again — "gimme a break." Good girl, now go sit with the librarian in a corner ‘til your Bertha Butt colleagues boogie on with a sensible piece in the morning prop-sheet to urge librarians to "do their part" for the good of our one-nation art-hearts. No Wordsworth? Let me spell it out — it’s a crime against culture!

"Stop griping about us please" was the headline for a Family Matters! Singapore column in The Sunday Times (June 29, ’03) with an accompanying picture of 10 teens beaming for Singapore to be ‘remade.’ I noticed, I noticed!! Now, which of you curry and puff girls/guys would read me and then admit to doing so in writing? Such a simple act of basic honesty you also cannot own up to, how to serve our Master with truer-than-true pride? Scared the Cultural Medallion will come to me instead, is it?

C’mon, let’s hear it for The X’Ho-Files now — "gimme a break!" Boy, do I need it in these economically challenged times. Citizenship may not entitle me to more money but huffing and puffing does, doesn’t it? On that score, let me say that what I do isn’t venting at all (how those insecure power-puffers try to put me down to earn more credit for themselves). It’s mending — mending the loopholes in all the careless curry-talk and not getting due credit in return. (Yes, my heart is mending too.) It’s time I show them that I am also standing on the side that’s winning. It may not be about winning alone. But it certainly is about not losing out I can tell you. This month, I’ll leave the under-dogging to BigO.

Front-page headline of The Sunday Times on July 13, ’03: "PM hints at further relaxing of controls." Right next to it, a blurb of two stories in the papers that day, "Ma, I’m gay — an (identified) marketing executive talks about coming out," and Wendy Jacobs (Mrs Fandi Ahmad) was quoted saying "Everyone thinks I’m this tyrant" (their bold print). Ooh, tyranny and sexual mutation rolled into a neat new liberation movement. Big hint, hint, hint at a much-needed change in mind-set from the State to "urge Singaporeans to embrace diversity and make themselves heard." Honey, we’re not like before, or yesterday, or just three moments ago.

Look how easily the tables turned, a siow friend remarked. Not referring to the ‘urging’ but the fact that it is now Singaporeans who couldn’t embrace diversity when it was really the authorities who wanted no diversity for nationhood in the first place, he said. I quickly shushed him from saying more but he said it’s alright now 'cos we’ve been urged to speak up. Oh my. How can I not sing praises ‘til the cows cum home of our suddenly so beautifully liberal and open system.

The siow friend then said that I should be given some credit for the call to change since I’ve written so much about the system in my two books. I told him, no-no, I’m learning to just do with a handsome salary (eh… a modest royalty if truth be told) and to just "do it for the good of all." I know I risk sounding like a pompous giver there but I’ve really learnt from the "messengers of god."

Yes ma, I’m so gay about learning to think like the Mui Hoongs, Latifs and Jacobs, so joyful that I’m gonna urge all those gay celebrities I know to come out of their media-copped closets and support the new gay economic-cause. They could call their trade union Zircon Gov. Gay Stars. I promise I won’t sue. (I can see the PM winking my way to say — good show of spirit.) It may not be about gay pride, but it certainly hints at a happy economic alliance. (Am I imagining things, or do I see the SM winking too?)

I can just hear it, from Marine Parade to the Seletar Hills, every homin’-for-home homo will be screaming — "I’m gay," "I’m more gay," "I’m gay too and much more talented." Lordy mama, aren’t we glad we have all the licensed gay saunas to lend scrubbing support now. And the cops can do away with their call-of-duty raid on those places 'cos they won’t need to cover their butt no more. Uh-uh, macho-Marys, don’t aim there, homo-sex is still a crime. I think Singapore has come up with a new breed of unique sexual "deviants" — homonosexuals. Consider it our birthright to be so extraordinary. Remember, "it’s not about gay-rights." Do I sound like I’m parroting you, Ms. Chua? Sorry, lurve, I do mean the check there for the good of all!

And now to celebrate the nation’s birthday with the gay-est salute ever. I promise to get a big PINK cake (I’ll make sure it’s a SPONGE). I’ll light up all the THICK-rod candles (thinking of all the bulbs in our digit-heads lighting up) and I’ll give a great big blOw with doubled pride (gay pride included but not gay rights, of course). That’s a big O in the blow, as Singaporeans are wont to miss print-hints unless they’re bold and extra obvious. "O" with ruby red lips that are no longer sealed or "closeted" 'cos they know how to roll with the flow. So with an articulate (albeit a little puckered) big O on my lips, just watch me go. But sorry, macho-warys waiting in the wings, I still cover backside, one!

I may be a Ho, but I know enuff to say no mo. Whenever, whatever. Power-puffers, don’t be too jealous, hor! "Happy angkat to you, happy angkat to you…" too. When I think of Singapore, how can I not think of you! C’mon, maybe you can’t say it, so let me say it for you. Remake Singapore? Our Masters can never do it without you. I should think you have economic-recession immunity. I should, but… I don’t. Bum-side felt. — X'Ho

NOTE: Visit X'Ho's official site at www.xhosux.com.